Doing What You Want

So after pondering for a while about what I am going to do, I have come up with an answer. Not satisfying one, but an answer.

So, just yesterday, I had a talk with my senior. She had a different journey from mine, but an amazing one. It's amazing because her decision was one of the most difficult decisions anyone would encounter in life, 'what do you want to do with you life?'

I heard a lot about her journey and her past. Then, I asked myself. Up to this moment, I have been asking the wrong question. Instead of asking what i wanted to do, I asked what should be done.  This is of course dumb. Who could know what to do and should be done? Even i know there's no rulebook for life. There won't be someone who would tell you where to go in life to be 'successful'. All I could ask is what I want to do next. Is this what I want to do?

It was as simple as that. However, the journey before going there was not as simple. I know that what I want to do is to explore the world and to be better everyday, to learn something mew everyday.It was so clear now what I want to do next.

So, always ask yourself this. 'What do you want to do?'

Also take a look at this.
http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/successful-fcked-up-stories/1065592/
It does not show that those with bitterful journey is going to success. It shows that we should not let the world get to ourselves in front of adevrsaries. Life is not easy. It never is. It was dumb if you would think that living a meaningful life would easy.

Fraction of Steps towards Life

SO...... my life has not been as smooth as they used to be and some thoughts just have bugging me for a week or so now.

I can't get these thoughts out so I decided maybe I should write it down somewhere.

It all started when I knew that I could use my god forsaking international medal to enter the so-called famous NTU in Singapore, but I won't get any scholarship cause I got bronze. It might seem crappy to you but trust me, somehow I understand this policy. 

How? Imagine that all international medalists get scholarship as easy as using their medal. Imagine all those 'amazing' (I use quotation here, cause by the end of the day it's all about luck, you'll know why) people who were not lucky enough to participate in an olympiad or those who have something to contribute in other fields. They won't get the scholarship won't they. So I knew that NTU is not to blame. It's myself, for not being good enough in the international, for getting the second bronze. I was scared of not getting a medal at all and I guess it just came to my mind that I should stop trying cause I was not good enough. Indeed it was my first time joining a huge event like that, but I still believe it does not justify my giving up at that time. Anyway, long story short, I gave up that's why I deserved all this crap I'm facing in life.

Besides getting into NTU, I thought that I might had the chance getting into NUS and getting a scholarship cause I thought that I did great in the University Entrance Exam. However, several weeks ago, I received the news that I was not admitted into NUS, like from Indonesia only 8 people were given admission and scholarship at the same time. 4 of them are mathematics international medalists, 2 is a biology gold medalists, 1 is a friend of mine who got bronze in the international astronomy olympad and the other one is also an international medalists. 2 of them did not come for the interview and my friend did not get the scholarship (some interview mistakes).

There are some ways that I could still get the scholarship:

1. The scholarship from the singapore government, I did the interview (I was asked a bunch of science questions so, f***) and the result is going to be announced around July.

2. The scholarship from Indonesia for international medalists. I heard that this scholarship stopped giving scholarship for students going abroad, and the government only provides for those studying in Indonesia. But my friend is currently trying to apply for it, but no news so far.

3. As for the last method, this is to get a gold medal in the international level I'm facing this upcoming July and try to appeal for scholarship from NTU. Seeing how Singapore being strict this year, I am not sure even this will work.

So yeah, a lot of uncertainties lately in my life. Then, I am not going to take the scholarship to Japan cause I would need to take 2 years before getting to the actual university and I think I could not afford to waste more time in my life and I would not want to take the scholarship just to throw it away by the end of the day. 

Then, tomorrow, I am going to face the national exam for the national university in Indonesia for several best universities in this country. Trust me, not much preparation was made for it.

What I am so pissed about is not about not getting into university or something. So after hearing my story, here goes nothing.

From junior high, I told myself that I would pursue further education without involving too much of my parents. You could say I'm just being selfish trying not to involve my parents too much (esp. lately making money is not as easy as thinking about it).

Then, I also planned to have my master degree somewhere I can get be what I've always wanted to be, an inventor. But I know, that I need to be at the right place and the to have the right opportunities. I can't do that in this eastern world where everything is about businesses and factories. That's why I believe that studying in Singapore might be that one step toward that mission.

However, what I am most frightened of  is the fact that I will be the opposite of who I am right now. In high school, I knew that to live life to the fullest, you can't just study hard just to expect you would live a meaningful life, that's why I started joining an olympiad, joining a lot of co-curricular activites and doing a lot of different stuff. However, for university admission purposes , I always kept my grades good through any means possible, even studying a whole book for one night. So I did what I wanted to do and what I had to do.

With all these mishaps and rejections, I started to waver about my view . I don't want to start to think that I should find a secure job, just to fill my life everyday with nothing but dull work.

My mission for the next few years if I actually managed to study in NTU or NUS somehow would be:

1. Take an exchange program either to Europe, Canada or USA

2. Travel the world as in travelling to at least 2 countries far from Indonesia before I finished my undergraduate degree.

3. Join a tech research or tech comp in my university studies. 

4. A lot of another different things.

Then, I realized something important. It's been so f-ing hard to hold my view because everybody else on this dying Earth has the same thought. To find secure job, to study hard, go to good universities with the expectancy to secure a high-paying job. It's ridiculous. Okay maybe, I am different, maybe I am weird, I have been living life differently since I was born. Being a freak and everything in life. But I know, I should never give up in this world. Yes, it is going to be much much much harder in life after this. And I should be ready and live life without regrets.

"For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more about the world than I did yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You'd be surprised of how far that gets you." - Neil deGrasse Tyson

The Power of Words

Hey guys
It's been quite a long time

I know I promised that I would do more postings but like always, things got busier and shit happens.

Anyway now I would like to talk about the power of words.
Words are means of communication among 2 or more individuals with the purpose of making an understanding among these people.
It's not rare for us to see how people say the wrong thing or perhaps bad thing to one another. I am a perfect example.

If I get $1 for every time somebody criticized me or get mad at me for not thinking before talking, I would be rich by now.

Here's a quick example:
Just moments before I write this, I had an argument with my friends. I wouldn't say an argument actually. Anyways, the thing is that in my country there's this system where you can apply for an invitation to the state university through which your scores throughout high school need to be considered. In my school, it's not hard to find people who are planning to apply to universities overseas. Suddenly my friend said that my classmate who are applying for the international universities should not apply for this invitation since they'll take up the maximum quota given to each school.

So here's the thing, I believe that it's their rights to actually apply for this invitation. Why?
1. There's no certainty as to whether a person will be indeed get admitted to that particular university so is it that wrong for them to actually apply for this invitation as a backup plan. Indeed it will somehow affect those who are actually hoping to get the invitation. But by the end of the day, I believe that it's their fault for losing to these people. It's their fault for not having such high scores in their high school careers since that's just how the world is. The rich stays rich and the poor stays poor. The idiots stay idiots and the geniuses stay geniuses.

That's just the way the world revolves. Like it or not, this happens. Shit happens. This way, the idiots will work hard to be geniuses and the poor will strive to be rich. The moment we lose this, I believe we lose the true meaning of a fight.

2.  Selfishness is prevalent. Tell me. If you have a loaf of bread and suddenly you are hungry, but next to you there's a person starving. Of course you could not tell whether the person is starving to his death or not. How many of you would actually give the bread to the person next you? I doubt half of you would. It's just the way people think I guess. We unconsciously put ourselves ahead of others. It's like the nature of us as a living being.


So yeah I was at fault I admit that. But I am just being realistic I guess. Life is indeed a reality. Life is god damn painstaking reality where shit truly occurs.

Let me give you my quote regarding this:

"Dino is still Dino, just that far-fetching, no matter how much I learn, I would never

be on par with him."

P.S. Dino my national teammate for the internationals. He's a genius in his own way. I admire him in certain ways. He shone the way others couldn't. He shone the way I couldn't.

See you next time

The thing we call Uncertainty

After the long post I did just now, I opened this blog of my junior, http://elizabethlittleengland.blogspot.com/ . You should check that out as she is a frequent blogger and wise one too. 

Spoiler: This might be a messy post as I threw anything that crosses my mind inside.

Anyway, I read the post entitled "Life's Uncertainty" which is about how much insecurity one can discern regarding the endless possibility lying in front of them. I find this to be a very interesting subject since as she conveyed in the post. Everyone fail too solve the mystery regarding as to why people who have gone to such prestigious universities always work under the command of those who failed to finish much less experience a lot of formal education. If you're reading this (the self-proclaimed "Elizabeth"), I would like to elaborate more on my very own saying in this. 

Before I go deeper, I would like to put in the picture of my past. I am a very vigilant person in terms of future plans. In junior high, I managed to make a very crude plan as to what I would be doing in high school. Indeed, there are some detours which themselves can be regarded as uncertainty, however in the very end a lot of stuff went according the framework of life I created. However, the more I grew up, the more I was aware of how little I could control in my life. Not only have I decided to create myriads of plans but I have also prepared myself for any change that could happen. By the end of the day, I knew that there were too many variable changes to be expected in the equation of life.

Formal education is indeed a very rudimentary yet significant factor in one's life, yet it fails to, as you said, fail to prepare us in the face of uncertainty. You're going to notice that the gate of uncertainty is going to open from the moment you ponder on what you're going to do with my life and how to do it. My classmates, which are a member of an exclusive class (excellent students among our peers), always expect to much from the major they're going to have in the university, and they also fail to prepare to the minute details of how they're going to live their life, let alone be ready for it.

I'm not saying they're not ready for life. This habit is a disease we have been contracting throughout generations after generations. I'm saying that we can't be ready for anything in life, no matter what the case might be. As to how some people manage to get to the top with very little formal education, I would like to say that these people are those who won't stutter in front of the abyss of not-knowing. Being humans, we are horrified by unknowing. However, these people are those who manage to get better of themselves and see what truly matters for themselves.

Formal education teaches us how to respond to different cases in life, however it merely tests how much a student can follow rules, the rules they read in books. Formal education gives us the delusion that there is always an affirmative answer in life, that there's always the right way to do it. I, too, have been  made loss of words when I suddenly noticed this huge fact.

In the long run, all we can do is not prepare everything for the future, instead we should prepare ourselves for what's about to come, for what's about to hit us. We should be prepared to respond when things hit us. The analogy would be if a car is going to hit you, you should not prepare a shield and close your eyes, but you should notice what kind of car it is and how to avoid it in such a way that it would leave minimal scratches to you.

Here is a quote from her post by John Allen Paulos :

Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity 

is the only security.

Here are some quotes I found on the net:

“The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to the uncertainty.” 
― David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” 
― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” 
― Albert Einstein

“I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it is much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers that might be wrong. If we will only allow that, as we progress, we remain unsure, we will leave opportunities for alternatives. We will not become enthusiastic for the fact, the knowledge, the absolute truth of the day, but remain always uncertain … In order to make progress, one must leave the door to the unknown ajar.” 
― Richard P. Feynman

Please keep in my mind that Einstein and Feynman themselves are scientists who deal with the field of Quantum Physics where uncertainty itself is the groundbreaking fabrics of the universe.

The glorified race we claim to be, "Humans"

So, just this morning, I saw my friend posted something claiming that the other class who are actually having an outdoor photo-shoot were having a lot of fun. My class , on the other hand, decided that we should take one in our class since a lot stuff happened and my classmates were somewhat busy.

Then, suddenly, it dawned on me whether the "fun" they have are actually genuine. Are they actually proud of their class? being a part of their class? of being in a particular community of cool kids? If yes, how so?

Well, first of all, I would like to emphasize on the fact that nowadays, in my school, people are actually proud of being themselves. To be honest, I found it to be ludicrous. Then, there's also how girls (and sometimes boys) like to celebrate their 17th birthday. I just couldn't get my heads around this so-called "tradition".

First I would like to scrutinize more on the birthday part as it seems to be a matter that has bothered me for so long. My friends claim that they, we, should celebrate our new step towards adulthood. Well, I guess I could concur that far. Nevertheless, I don't think it justifies the fact that you should waste a lot of money holding a huge sweet 17th birthday party. From where I can see it, I guess people, girls and boys, wanted to feel special of their very own existence which carries on to my second point.

My next point is regarding the so-called pride people have been indulging themselves in. Why would you try to make yourself feel "special" whereas in fact you have done nothing to be called an achievement. Most people do that. Most people wanted to feel special despite the fact that they do not even try to BE SPECIAL, not in terms of academics, non-academics, or even social relations.

As for myself, I have been trying to acquire pride, self-satisfaction, and self-recognition by doing things I have longed to do, namely getting an international medal, becoming a student council board member, and becoming a president of a club. Even so, I wouldn't celebrate them to such a point that it requires a party since none of this is a contribution to this world. It's merely an achievement to fill my desire and "lust".

Long story short, I find it ludicrous that sometimes people just do this thing, like feeling proud of being a class that has not made any known achievement or being a recognized class, or having this self-granted pride.

P.S. Since I'll be having a long holiday, I would be active in this blogging stuff since a lot of people have recommended me to do so. Therefore, please do comment on my posts so we can discuss more on the topics since I would like to really see it from another point of view.

There are amazing things in this life

 So i got a news about how my second training went but first thing first.

Tonight i went to JCC (Japanese Contemporary Culture) 2014 since i kinda felt responsible for being the president of moshi- moshi (a japanese wall magazine) organization. There, i saw a lot of interesting things and i'm going to tell a bit about it.

I was monitoring the colouring contest of kindergarten kids and i noticed that the moms kept on commanding the children what to do with their drawings despite knowing its wrong. I can see that this kind of thing is one thing that you cant change about the current society in Indonesia.

Next, i met this girl/ woman (since i dont really know her real age) named Pheisan. She have this physical retardation deficiency (esp. the fact that she can't walk properly) but she is a really good drawer. Being so interested in the yonkoma we stuck on the wall on the opposite side on the room where she was, she walked (or i supposed dragging her feet) without asking us to help her get up on her wheelchair. I was shocked to see this but we ended up bringing her her wheelchair and all. I'm just amazed how hard people life are but they kept on fighting pridefully.

Then, i saw a lot of amazing medanese cosplayers. There were Miku and Rin, Mondaijitachi's izayoi, Aomine, Sasuke, Naruto, Minato, Orochimaru, Os, the cast of Black Butler, Yata of K project, and some lolas (hell yeah). It was amazing to be able to do things you like.

Some Unexpected Things in Life

You know, i'm in class with Vianna, Faisal, Mae, Kusuma, Fatih, Husen and Ifan. There were others too before, but now they've gone to bed. Right now, we're like selecting songs to sing together so yeah it's kinda fun.

It's the beginning of week 3 and i was kinda worried of losing to be honest although i knew that i wasn't trying hard enough to win. People have been telling me that i'm being too ambitious and stuff. Now i know that i have a very huge chance of going home, perhaps i finally can see everything crystal clear.

I can finally enjoy my journey at last. Succeeding didn't give me enough satisfaction, probably because i was feeling too lucky to win or things. I can feel the sadness of losing and not being able to see my friends from the first training. The end of the second one is just around the corner.This is once-in-a-lifetime journey where i can meet people from all over the country.

Of course there are many memorable things i can tell, like how we played the paintball game for the 1st Sunday (i shot someone pointblank on the back) and went hiking for the second one (we crossed a river) and how we ran to the rooftop to get our shoes because it suddenly started to rain during the end of the class.

Finally, i can live my journey the way i want to. Even if i fail now, i'm glad.And if i passed, i know that i would use this solemness to strive harder for the future, not only for me, but also for those i've surpassed and for those who've helped me and moreover believed in me from the very beginning.