Resolve

(Before reading this, sorry for the long post. I finally had the guts to look deeper into myself and figured who i've been and why i am here)

Up to now,i've been pondering why have i been worrying roo much.
Today, while i was watching some anime (yeah anime), i finally found an answer.
It all probably started when i was preparing for the nationals and all.

So yeah, while i was getting prepared for a week, my mentor one day decided to tell me something big, like really big. He told me that i ranked first for the provincial competition from everyone around the country. To be honest i didn't even disturb me a bit at that time since i believed i got lucky.

Afterwards, i had the nationals in front of me. The next thing i knew was i got second. Now this one, scared the hell out of me.It has been dwindling on me until the first national training. Before i went to Bandung, i had my monthly school test, but i didn't gave much thought into it since i was only thinking about going to Bandung to start my training. However, when i got there, this creepy anxiety wouldn't go away. I wondered and i wondered and i probably stumbled on the wrong answer.

But now, i got it. What haunted me was how my life turned out. How different my journey is from other people and how bizzare it has turned out. I was a below average student, but the next thing i knew, i wanted to stop pitying myself and at least worked hard before my high school ended.

So, i became more active in my life, not in the education aspect though.I joined student council in my school, and i ran for the president title. I didn't even win a single vote since all the vote went to our chief president, who got extreme charisma, yet sorry to say practically didn't play a big part last year. Then, i joined several olympiad team, math, chemistry and astronomy to be exact.

When the time came for me to choose which subject to go for, i chose astronomy since i kinda liked the subject and out team was, sorry to say this, pretty hopeless. But i can't believe i've gotten this far for my first try. After all of that, truthfully sometimes i asked God why i was "chosen" to have a different life like this.

But then, just last Thursday i got another big shock in my life. I ranked second in my class and probably ranked 11th to 15th in my whole school. When i was in Junior High, i've always wondered so much about why i couldn't ranked more than 40th in my school that i actually cried about it, sobbed to be exact.

Then, i went to look at the other kid who chose the path i chose, there was Fannie who is a self-proclaimed lazy, not-so-smart student who ranked 3rd in her accelerated class. Moreover, there was KGU who ranked 2nd in the whole school.Leo and CS, who wasn't so lucky with their rank this time but still champions their whole life. I looked back to Leo and Anu who were the same. Practically almost every great olympiad representative of our school is a prodigy in their own field and in school.

To sum it up, i just realized that probably i've never been a champion all my life, but i knew it's time to change. No more pitying myself for always ending up alone mentally. No more feeling sorry for myself for never having the chance to live a  normal teenage boy life, dating my crush and all. No more underestimating myself for being a junior and an amateur. No more feeling sorry as a loser.

It's true that sometimes it's hard to tell anyone about how i feel, but i guess it's fine to keep it to myself, since i'm a "new type of student' in my own eyes. In the end, i'm all alone in facing my problems but God knows that i could survive because i have friends, families and the others who believe in me and knew that i would forge my own path towards success.

"Everyone always claims to not be able to do something because he/she is a loser. On the contrary, if he/she is a self-proclaimed loser and idiot, they should work their ass off and harder than anyone else he/she know to achieve his/her dream" - Me

New Page

So tomorrow morning i'm going to start a new semester but my old habit.

For several days (3-4 days or so) in my holiday, i lazed around doing nothing and touch nothing about Astronomy. I did this mostly because i went on a hiatus. Yes, a hiatus. I guess i just needed a break from everything, learning, thinking, worrying. And although i guess i would affect my future a lot, i am grateful that i did that since the "beginner's spirit" i wanted to reacquire did come back so yeah....

Anyway, during those lazy days, i just played Harvest Moon with my game boy emulator on PC. I kinda "conquered" that game since i'm currently in Winter and i have made a lot of money around 100,000 gold or so and upgraded my house to the max and got the heart "the love of my life" so i could buy the blue feather at the supermarket and just proposed but..... i cant, because i haven't bought many things necessary to marry anyone (we can only buy EACH thing on Saturdays so still waiting).

I also re-watched my favorite anime of all time, 'Sword Art Online' or SAO for short.
I learned a lot from that movie, and i got a grip of what i really want in life and all.

Initially, i thought i lost my spirit to learn and everything because i lost a clue of who i was before becoming the guy who despised (yeah despised) video games and who is to be honest, stiff. So, i guess what i learnt so far is to not change to much. Changing is not a bad thing, as long as you still have a track of who you really are.

In the end, i just hope everything works out and i could life without regrets in my life. Catch you guys later, since i got to wrap things up and prepare for school tomorrow early morning. Peace out