The thing we call Uncertainty

After the long post I did just now, I opened this blog of my junior, http://elizabethlittleengland.blogspot.com/ . You should check that out as she is a frequent blogger and wise one too. 

Spoiler: This might be a messy post as I threw anything that crosses my mind inside.

Anyway, I read the post entitled "Life's Uncertainty" which is about how much insecurity one can discern regarding the endless possibility lying in front of them. I find this to be a very interesting subject since as she conveyed in the post. Everyone fail too solve the mystery regarding as to why people who have gone to such prestigious universities always work under the command of those who failed to finish much less experience a lot of formal education. If you're reading this (the self-proclaimed "Elizabeth"), I would like to elaborate more on my very own saying in this. 

Before I go deeper, I would like to put in the picture of my past. I am a very vigilant person in terms of future plans. In junior high, I managed to make a very crude plan as to what I would be doing in high school. Indeed, there are some detours which themselves can be regarded as uncertainty, however in the very end a lot of stuff went according the framework of life I created. However, the more I grew up, the more I was aware of how little I could control in my life. Not only have I decided to create myriads of plans but I have also prepared myself for any change that could happen. By the end of the day, I knew that there were too many variable changes to be expected in the equation of life.

Formal education is indeed a very rudimentary yet significant factor in one's life, yet it fails to, as you said, fail to prepare us in the face of uncertainty. You're going to notice that the gate of uncertainty is going to open from the moment you ponder on what you're going to do with my life and how to do it. My classmates, which are a member of an exclusive class (excellent students among our peers), always expect to much from the major they're going to have in the university, and they also fail to prepare to the minute details of how they're going to live their life, let alone be ready for it.

I'm not saying they're not ready for life. This habit is a disease we have been contracting throughout generations after generations. I'm saying that we can't be ready for anything in life, no matter what the case might be. As to how some people manage to get to the top with very little formal education, I would like to say that these people are those who won't stutter in front of the abyss of not-knowing. Being humans, we are horrified by unknowing. However, these people are those who manage to get better of themselves and see what truly matters for themselves.

Formal education teaches us how to respond to different cases in life, however it merely tests how much a student can follow rules, the rules they read in books. Formal education gives us the delusion that there is always an affirmative answer in life, that there's always the right way to do it. I, too, have been  made loss of words when I suddenly noticed this huge fact.

In the long run, all we can do is not prepare everything for the future, instead we should prepare ourselves for what's about to come, for what's about to hit us. We should be prepared to respond when things hit us. The analogy would be if a car is going to hit you, you should not prepare a shield and close your eyes, but you should notice what kind of car it is and how to avoid it in such a way that it would leave minimal scratches to you.

Here is a quote from her post by John Allen Paulos :

Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity 

is the only security.

Here are some quotes I found on the net:

“The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to the uncertainty.” 
― David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

“Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.” 
― Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves

“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” 
― Albert Einstein

“I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it is much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers that might be wrong. If we will only allow that, as we progress, we remain unsure, we will leave opportunities for alternatives. We will not become enthusiastic for the fact, the knowledge, the absolute truth of the day, but remain always uncertain … In order to make progress, one must leave the door to the unknown ajar.” 
― Richard P. Feynman

Please keep in my mind that Einstein and Feynman themselves are scientists who deal with the field of Quantum Physics where uncertainty itself is the groundbreaking fabrics of the universe.

The glorified race we claim to be, "Humans"

So, just this morning, I saw my friend posted something claiming that the other class who are actually having an outdoor photo-shoot were having a lot of fun. My class , on the other hand, decided that we should take one in our class since a lot stuff happened and my classmates were somewhat busy.

Then, suddenly, it dawned on me whether the "fun" they have are actually genuine. Are they actually proud of their class? being a part of their class? of being in a particular community of cool kids? If yes, how so?

Well, first of all, I would like to emphasize on the fact that nowadays, in my school, people are actually proud of being themselves. To be honest, I found it to be ludicrous. Then, there's also how girls (and sometimes boys) like to celebrate their 17th birthday. I just couldn't get my heads around this so-called "tradition".

First I would like to scrutinize more on the birthday part as it seems to be a matter that has bothered me for so long. My friends claim that they, we, should celebrate our new step towards adulthood. Well, I guess I could concur that far. Nevertheless, I don't think it justifies the fact that you should waste a lot of money holding a huge sweet 17th birthday party. From where I can see it, I guess people, girls and boys, wanted to feel special of their very own existence which carries on to my second point.

My next point is regarding the so-called pride people have been indulging themselves in. Why would you try to make yourself feel "special" whereas in fact you have done nothing to be called an achievement. Most people do that. Most people wanted to feel special despite the fact that they do not even try to BE SPECIAL, not in terms of academics, non-academics, or even social relations.

As for myself, I have been trying to acquire pride, self-satisfaction, and self-recognition by doing things I have longed to do, namely getting an international medal, becoming a student council board member, and becoming a president of a club. Even so, I wouldn't celebrate them to such a point that it requires a party since none of this is a contribution to this world. It's merely an achievement to fill my desire and "lust".

Long story short, I find it ludicrous that sometimes people just do this thing, like feeling proud of being a class that has not made any known achievement or being a recognized class, or having this self-granted pride.

P.S. Since I'll be having a long holiday, I would be active in this blogging stuff since a lot of people have recommended me to do so. Therefore, please do comment on my posts so we can discuss more on the topics since I would like to really see it from another point of view.

There are amazing things in this life

 So i got a news about how my second training went but first thing first.

Tonight i went to JCC (Japanese Contemporary Culture) 2014 since i kinda felt responsible for being the president of moshi- moshi (a japanese wall magazine) organization. There, i saw a lot of interesting things and i'm going to tell a bit about it.

I was monitoring the colouring contest of kindergarten kids and i noticed that the moms kept on commanding the children what to do with their drawings despite knowing its wrong. I can see that this kind of thing is one thing that you cant change about the current society in Indonesia.

Next, i met this girl/ woman (since i dont really know her real age) named Pheisan. She have this physical retardation deficiency (esp. the fact that she can't walk properly) but she is a really good drawer. Being so interested in the yonkoma we stuck on the wall on the opposite side on the room where she was, she walked (or i supposed dragging her feet) without asking us to help her get up on her wheelchair. I was shocked to see this but we ended up bringing her her wheelchair and all. I'm just amazed how hard people life are but they kept on fighting pridefully.

Then, i saw a lot of amazing medanese cosplayers. There were Miku and Rin, Mondaijitachi's izayoi, Aomine, Sasuke, Naruto, Minato, Orochimaru, Os, the cast of Black Butler, Yata of K project, and some lolas (hell yeah). It was amazing to be able to do things you like.

Some Unexpected Things in Life

You know, i'm in class with Vianna, Faisal, Mae, Kusuma, Fatih, Husen and Ifan. There were others too before, but now they've gone to bed. Right now, we're like selecting songs to sing together so yeah it's kinda fun.

It's the beginning of week 3 and i was kinda worried of losing to be honest although i knew that i wasn't trying hard enough to win. People have been telling me that i'm being too ambitious and stuff. Now i know that i have a very huge chance of going home, perhaps i finally can see everything crystal clear.

I can finally enjoy my journey at last. Succeeding didn't give me enough satisfaction, probably because i was feeling too lucky to win or things. I can feel the sadness of losing and not being able to see my friends from the first training. The end of the second one is just around the corner.This is once-in-a-lifetime journey where i can meet people from all over the country.

Of course there are many memorable things i can tell, like how we played the paintball game for the 1st Sunday (i shot someone pointblank on the back) and went hiking for the second one (we crossed a river) and how we ran to the rooftop to get our shoes because it suddenly started to rain during the end of the class.

Finally, i can live my journey the way i want to. Even if i fail now, i'm glad.And if i passed, i know that i would use this solemness to strive harder for the future, not only for me, but also for those i've surpassed and for those who've helped me and moreover believed in me from the very beginning.

Cake for Valentine

So today (yesterday actually since im typing this after midnight) was my birthday, and i woke up just like another day. Wanting to back to sleep due to sleep deprivation.

Since the 2 days before, i received the task to bring risol for the whole class.that matter solidified into my head as what i need to make sure to happen. Then, when i arrived at school, apparently i forgot to bring my math notebook (i thought that i put it somewhere else) so i had to write everything in my exercise book.

During the first recess, i went straightly to the gate to retrieve my bag with risol inside, and what pissed me that my math notebook was also inside. Anyway, after getting my bag, i focused on the highlight of the day, which is giving Tiffany some matcha chocolate. Fortunately, glen and imelda brought her to our class so i didn't have to embarass her in front of her classmates. So, after she said happy birthday to me and shook my hand (first time ever!! soft hand btw) , i gave her the chocolate which was wrapped in a aqua blue with tree motives wrapping paper (which supposed to be her favourite color). She told me "comik u yang ho wa a? kan u yang se jit.(TL: Why are you the one who give me stuff? You're the birthday boy). So i said "wa cuman gien ho aja" (TL: I just want to give it to you) and smile awkwardly. Afterwards, she thanked me and walked away with glen and imelda who teased her with high-pitched voice.

Later then, i rushed to find a laptop. Eventually, i borrowed one from Vinzoct. However, miss didnt bring any speaker so i needed to find a set. So, i went out to find one from XI-Sci-02 (but there was no one) so i almost decided to get back to class but i saw that some of them were alarming other. Later, i found out that X-01 also has a set. After returning with the speaker, they gave me a surprise by singing me a happy birthday song while Agnes gave me a simple cake which is somewhat soothing. The theme of his laptop was SAO (using health bars to display RAM and CPU usage,etc) which was cool. Then during TOEFL subject, we ate risol together (one for each person except me since i ate some the night before) while watching ice age 4.Then later, during history lesson, Ivanka with Giovina and Tommy came over to borrow my hardisk for my some movies and a set of speaker. Since i returned it to X-1, i went there to take it and i personally brought it to XI-Soc-01.

There, Tiffany was teased (like some people mentioning Tikang and stuff) , and the whole class kinda sang me a happy birthday song. Since i didnt know how to reply (esp. it's not my class) i just set the speaker up for them. After finished singing the song, they shout " Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" and no i wasnt going to do that. When i almost got out, i was hold back by Imelda and Miss Yenny asked me to shake hand again with her. Knowing that we have shaken hand before, we just did it again and yeah.(second time baby!). I thanked everyone inside that class before going back to my class).

Then, when i was going to Biology laboratory, i checked the drawer of everyone and i found some candles forming 1 and 6. I guess it was meant for my cake. SO it was funny.

Then, during lunch, I wanted to have cane but the dude either went home or didn't come at all. So , i went to get some chicken porridge and went back to my class to eat beside Ticung. During ELDS, Elvira didn't show up even though she asked everyone to come. So Sir Patrick after waiting an hour or so, offered us to play a game. So we did play, 2 games in fact ,which were a game of concentration and 7 up. Before Sir Patrick came, Agnes asked me to open the gift many people bought for me, watch from Revel. She said some deep things to me :




"You know how we're going to be separated soon? Well, distance won't keep us apart but time will. So keep watch of your time"

Later, because we were dismissed by 2, i went to play some badminton with Tiffany, Jitas and Andre. There i found angeline, vincent sukirman, victor tanoto and toby. When i got home, i opened the present some other people gave me. Louis gave it to me first thing in the morning, It was from Xandra, Kartika, Justina, Tracy and Louis. Xandra said she didn't want to have debts towards me so yeah.

They gave me another dictionary bookmark ( i received one last year) so i wanted to give it to little bro. And a book about..... how to get laid. I don't they realize what's inside but who cares. hahaha. So in the end, today was fun and everything. It might be just another day in my life, but i"ll treasure it for a long time.

Why?WHy?

I decided to make this post since lately an increasing number of people asked me why Astronomy?

Well... to be honest, i thought i did not know why.

And that question dwindled in me for quite some time.

Then again, i asked myself

'Why did I actually choose that?

Why did I take this path?

Why did i decide to make do with this lifestyle?'

And there were more questions.And i found the answer.

I chose this path because i believed that this is the right path for me.

That with this, 

I can satiate my hunger for knowledge

I can help more people understand the beauty of life, nature and the universe itself.

I can make good use of my time

I can be better than the loser me.

I can experience world in whole new different ways.

I was right though, I did live life the way i wanted to.

I succeeded in being better, being knowledgeable.

Nevertheless, despite this pain, tiredness, restlessness, and anxiety, I know that this is not how everything suppose to end my journey. I knew that my problem is not big at all. I knew that i'm just exaggerating it, and how much i wanted to run away from it.

I can't believe how initially everything seemed easy and the closer I am to all of this, the harder is the shit life throws at me.

Sometimes i wanted to cry pitying myself, but i didn't cause i wanted to be stronger than before.

Many people have bigger problems than i do, many people couldn't be able to get the chance i've got.

And of course, many people's dream got crushed by me.

That's why i'll keep pushing forward in this life, through the shit and everything life threw at me.

My motto is to "never live life in regret for all is well", and i'm astounded to know that i've never even regretted my own decision to take this path.

I just hope that my will would be strong enough and at last i"ll be able to end something that i actually started.

And i have the strength to overcome my weakness for me, for my friends and for everyone who've believed in me my whole life.

Let me end this post by giving you a piece of quote i found hilarious yet inspiring

"Happiness is having the urge to take a dump and be able to find a nice place with a sprayer and closet to let everything go" - Unknown

Resolve

(Before reading this, sorry for the long post. I finally had the guts to look deeper into myself and figured who i've been and why i am here)

Up to now,i've been pondering why have i been worrying roo much.
Today, while i was watching some anime (yeah anime), i finally found an answer.
It all probably started when i was preparing for the nationals and all.

So yeah, while i was getting prepared for a week, my mentor one day decided to tell me something big, like really big. He told me that i ranked first for the provincial competition from everyone around the country. To be honest i didn't even disturb me a bit at that time since i believed i got lucky.

Afterwards, i had the nationals in front of me. The next thing i knew was i got second. Now this one, scared the hell out of me.It has been dwindling on me until the first national training. Before i went to Bandung, i had my monthly school test, but i didn't gave much thought into it since i was only thinking about going to Bandung to start my training. However, when i got there, this creepy anxiety wouldn't go away. I wondered and i wondered and i probably stumbled on the wrong answer.

But now, i got it. What haunted me was how my life turned out. How different my journey is from other people and how bizzare it has turned out. I was a below average student, but the next thing i knew, i wanted to stop pitying myself and at least worked hard before my high school ended.

So, i became more active in my life, not in the education aspect though.I joined student council in my school, and i ran for the president title. I didn't even win a single vote since all the vote went to our chief president, who got extreme charisma, yet sorry to say practically didn't play a big part last year. Then, i joined several olympiad team, math, chemistry and astronomy to be exact.

When the time came for me to choose which subject to go for, i chose astronomy since i kinda liked the subject and out team was, sorry to say this, pretty hopeless. But i can't believe i've gotten this far for my first try. After all of that, truthfully sometimes i asked God why i was "chosen" to have a different life like this.

But then, just last Thursday i got another big shock in my life. I ranked second in my class and probably ranked 11th to 15th in my whole school. When i was in Junior High, i've always wondered so much about why i couldn't ranked more than 40th in my school that i actually cried about it, sobbed to be exact.

Then, i went to look at the other kid who chose the path i chose, there was Fannie who is a self-proclaimed lazy, not-so-smart student who ranked 3rd in her accelerated class. Moreover, there was KGU who ranked 2nd in the whole school.Leo and CS, who wasn't so lucky with their rank this time but still champions their whole life. I looked back to Leo and Anu who were the same. Practically almost every great olympiad representative of our school is a prodigy in their own field and in school.

To sum it up, i just realized that probably i've never been a champion all my life, but i knew it's time to change. No more pitying myself for always ending up alone mentally. No more feeling sorry for myself for never having the chance to live a  normal teenage boy life, dating my crush and all. No more underestimating myself for being a junior and an amateur. No more feeling sorry as a loser.

It's true that sometimes it's hard to tell anyone about how i feel, but i guess it's fine to keep it to myself, since i'm a "new type of student' in my own eyes. In the end, i'm all alone in facing my problems but God knows that i could survive because i have friends, families and the others who believe in me and knew that i would forge my own path towards success.

"Everyone always claims to not be able to do something because he/she is a loser. On the contrary, if he/she is a self-proclaimed loser and idiot, they should work their ass off and harder than anyone else he/she know to achieve his/her dream" - Me

New Page

So tomorrow morning i'm going to start a new semester but my old habit.

For several days (3-4 days or so) in my holiday, i lazed around doing nothing and touch nothing about Astronomy. I did this mostly because i went on a hiatus. Yes, a hiatus. I guess i just needed a break from everything, learning, thinking, worrying. And although i guess i would affect my future a lot, i am grateful that i did that since the "beginner's spirit" i wanted to reacquire did come back so yeah....

Anyway, during those lazy days, i just played Harvest Moon with my game boy emulator on PC. I kinda "conquered" that game since i'm currently in Winter and i have made a lot of money around 100,000 gold or so and upgraded my house to the max and got the heart "the love of my life" so i could buy the blue feather at the supermarket and just proposed but..... i cant, because i haven't bought many things necessary to marry anyone (we can only buy EACH thing on Saturdays so still waiting).

I also re-watched my favorite anime of all time, 'Sword Art Online' or SAO for short.
I learned a lot from that movie, and i got a grip of what i really want in life and all.

Initially, i thought i lost my spirit to learn and everything because i lost a clue of who i was before becoming the guy who despised (yeah despised) video games and who is to be honest, stiff. So, i guess what i learnt so far is to not change to much. Changing is not a bad thing, as long as you still have a track of who you really are.

In the end, i just hope everything works out and i could life without regrets in my life. Catch you guys later, since i got to wrap things up and prepare for school tomorrow early morning. Peace out