Resolve

(Before reading this, sorry for the long post. I finally had the guts to look deeper into myself and figured who i've been and why i am here)

Up to now,i've been pondering why have i been worrying roo much.
Today, while i was watching some anime (yeah anime), i finally found an answer.
It all probably started when i was preparing for the nationals and all.

So yeah, while i was getting prepared for a week, my mentor one day decided to tell me something big, like really big. He told me that i ranked first for the provincial competition from everyone around the country. To be honest i didn't even disturb me a bit at that time since i believed i got lucky.

Afterwards, i had the nationals in front of me. The next thing i knew was i got second. Now this one, scared the hell out of me.It has been dwindling on me until the first national training. Before i went to Bandung, i had my monthly school test, but i didn't gave much thought into it since i was only thinking about going to Bandung to start my training. However, when i got there, this creepy anxiety wouldn't go away. I wondered and i wondered and i probably stumbled on the wrong answer.

But now, i got it. What haunted me was how my life turned out. How different my journey is from other people and how bizzare it has turned out. I was a below average student, but the next thing i knew, i wanted to stop pitying myself and at least worked hard before my high school ended.

So, i became more active in my life, not in the education aspect though.I joined student council in my school, and i ran for the president title. I didn't even win a single vote since all the vote went to our chief president, who got extreme charisma, yet sorry to say practically didn't play a big part last year. Then, i joined several olympiad team, math, chemistry and astronomy to be exact.

When the time came for me to choose which subject to go for, i chose astronomy since i kinda liked the subject and out team was, sorry to say this, pretty hopeless. But i can't believe i've gotten this far for my first try. After all of that, truthfully sometimes i asked God why i was "chosen" to have a different life like this.

But then, just last Thursday i got another big shock in my life. I ranked second in my class and probably ranked 11th to 15th in my whole school. When i was in Junior High, i've always wondered so much about why i couldn't ranked more than 40th in my school that i actually cried about it, sobbed to be exact.

Then, i went to look at the other kid who chose the path i chose, there was Fannie who is a self-proclaimed lazy, not-so-smart student who ranked 3rd in her accelerated class. Moreover, there was KGU who ranked 2nd in the whole school.Leo and CS, who wasn't so lucky with their rank this time but still champions their whole life. I looked back to Leo and Anu who were the same. Practically almost every great olympiad representative of our school is a prodigy in their own field and in school.

To sum it up, i just realized that probably i've never been a champion all my life, but i knew it's time to change. No more pitying myself for always ending up alone mentally. No more feeling sorry for myself for never having the chance to live a  normal teenage boy life, dating my crush and all. No more underestimating myself for being a junior and an amateur. No more feeling sorry as a loser.

It's true that sometimes it's hard to tell anyone about how i feel, but i guess it's fine to keep it to myself, since i'm a "new type of student' in my own eyes. In the end, i'm all alone in facing my problems but God knows that i could survive because i have friends, families and the others who believe in me and knew that i would forge my own path towards success.

"Everyone always claims to not be able to do something because he/she is a loser. On the contrary, if he/she is a self-proclaimed loser and idiot, they should work their ass off and harder than anyone else he/she know to achieve his/her dream" - Me

New Page

So tomorrow morning i'm going to start a new semester but my old habit.

For several days (3-4 days or so) in my holiday, i lazed around doing nothing and touch nothing about Astronomy. I did this mostly because i went on a hiatus. Yes, a hiatus. I guess i just needed a break from everything, learning, thinking, worrying. And although i guess i would affect my future a lot, i am grateful that i did that since the "beginner's spirit" i wanted to reacquire did come back so yeah....

Anyway, during those lazy days, i just played Harvest Moon with my game boy emulator on PC. I kinda "conquered" that game since i'm currently in Winter and i have made a lot of money around 100,000 gold or so and upgraded my house to the max and got the heart "the love of my life" so i could buy the blue feather at the supermarket and just proposed but..... i cant, because i haven't bought many things necessary to marry anyone (we can only buy EACH thing on Saturdays so still waiting).

I also re-watched my favorite anime of all time, 'Sword Art Online' or SAO for short.
I learned a lot from that movie, and i got a grip of what i really want in life and all.

Initially, i thought i lost my spirit to learn and everything because i lost a clue of who i was before becoming the guy who despised (yeah despised) video games and who is to be honest, stiff. So, i guess what i learnt so far is to not change to much. Changing is not a bad thing, as long as you still have a track of who you really are.

In the end, i just hope everything works out and i could life without regrets in my life. Catch you guys later, since i got to wrap things up and prepare for school tomorrow early morning. Peace out

LIfe is Absurd

"Absurd" is a word that is popular among my national team, so it's weird that i have the thought to use it now.
To be honest, today i haven't done anything productive. Deep down, i know i should be a prolific student somewhat but.... i guess sometimes i could still lose my sense or worse lose my MIND.

Anyway, here i am spending my time reading my senior's blog www.davidorlando.com .It's somewhat inspiring, it reminds me that everyone makes mistakes. It's totally humane, however i just don't know i guess. I don't know why and i don't know how i've gotten to where i am now. Totally lost. I know that all of this is merely bull but i just can't believe where i am now, what i've gotten so far despite all my ass work.

I'm probably one of the new starters in this Astronomy field and how life leads me is just amazing. I've met so many great individuals, like really great in terms of characteristics and power. SO..... i guess i am finally able to feel and realize where i am going.This anxiety i feel is over-excitement which i could not apprehend and change it into my "fuel" initially.

What i am saying is that this is the present, this is what i'm living in and living for. No matter what gets in my way, i'll prosper in my own way and i believe that i have the capabilities to think, to make decisions, much less to determine what's best for myself as that what i've been doing up to now.

I've finally realized that i"ve been alone up to now, however not as in physical situation. It's more like in life.When i fight, i always fight alone. I've never been dependent on people but i guess i could always open up and accept others in ways i can.

Key to getting what you want

So my friend asked me the key to success and i'm guessing that she was asking advices to get what she wants so here are some tips :

1. DON'T EVER LOSE ENTHUSIASM1
2. ALWAYS LEARN. No knowledge is a waste of time (P.S. your memory can hold as much information as you can think of).
3. BE POSITIVE, and think positively.
4. "Give you best or go home" - Paul Walker.
5. Life is not merely a room with everything you need inside, LIFE'S AN ADVENTURE. So keep your cool and sweat on small stuff.
6. Never believe that you're a genius or an idiot. Even if you believe that you're really an idiot, then LEARN HARDER THAN ANYONE ELSE.
7. DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE FUTURE and what will happen. Face reality with all you got.
8. NEVER LISTEN TO OTHERS cause they're not you and they don't know what you've been through.
9. Don't do what you like but LIKE WHAT YOU DO!
10. BE CREATIVE, 'All roads lead to Rome'.
11. Sometimes it's not whether it's the right thing but WHETHER IT'S THE RIGHT THING YOU CAN DO.
12. Life is not about how many times you've failed but WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH those FAILURES.
13. "HAVE DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES" for different aspects of life
14. "The path to success is taken daily" - Franky Pandana
15. "You may delay but life will not" - Benjamin Franklin

Or you could say the key point is, as my tutor taught me, C3

CALM,COOL,CONFIDENT

The rest of my journey

 So i thought i took too much time writing a one-week journey so i decided to give you bigger pictures.

The rest of the month just went by with my position stayed in the top 5 and anxiety still was my biggest problem.

However, i had fun. I had fun with them staying up all night until 4- 5 AM. I had fun cooking and having breakfast 4 AM in the morning with my friends (mostly girls but one guy suddenly getting up ,claiming to not yet go to sleep) and the instructors (that's what they call themselves) and stargazing, telling stories, and using telescopes all night long.

Then there was the out-bonding Sunday which was really fun and crazy like hell.

Then there was the final test and some of us prayed to God for blessing, for protection, for mercy and moreover to thank Him for have given us the chance to meet one another. We cried and afterwards we just go back to our room without even saying a single word.

SO YEAH... it was great... it was a memorable experience that i'll never forget. Each of them gave me a lesson surprisingly. I learnt a lot there about life mostly and even though we came from different races and different areas, somehow somewhat we managed to stick as one. And believe living the natives (if you a racist individual) is amazing, there is no other word to describe my gratitude towards them,

In the end, i just stop thanking them, thanking the mentors, the instructors and the lecturers, and how i could not just stop saying sorry for not being completely who i was and who i am because i was shadowed by my fear of losing. I know it's not such a big deal eventually so i really felt bad.

Now that i'm going to join the second one, i promised that i'll be who i really am and if i actually lost but i give my best, that's fine with me. It only mean that somebody who is better than the best of me is going to represent Indonesia in the internationals and at least have a chance to take a medal back home.

My resolution to win for Indonesia might not be really absolute and not clear, but i wont have any regret in my life despite the obstacles and hardships there is and i'll live my life to the fullest

TOASTI 14 Phase 1 Week 1

Spoiler: This might be one hell long of a post so sit back relax and probably have some popcorn

I'm gonna talk a bit about my excruciating, 1-month-long journey to be someone who is capable enough to represent Indonesia in the International Olympiad of Astronomy and Astrophysics (IOAA) or International Astronomy Olympiad (IAO) of 2014 phase 1.

So it all started on the 27th of October,Sunday when i arrived in Bandung after returning home from there on the 8th of September for the nationals.However, unlike before, i was alone. Yup, there i was, coming to my home for the next 1 month alone without anyone familiar.

Since i was not very comfortable at first, automatically i wanted to look for a friend...Elsa, who moved to Bandung not so long ago. I missed her to be honest. She was the gatekeeper to my success in Astronomy since she joined the team first before i did, but she joined merely because she loved astronomy. Anyway, I spent my sunday with her, talking about our new life, having lunch together, drinking some coffee and all, and more importantly, gossip ( i know it's weird for a boy to gossip (P.S. I'm straight) but sometimes it's fun to do it with your friend) but we didnt gossip about boys and all.... we just talked about this particular girl and this particular guy at her new school or at our school. And yeah, it was one crazy Sunday because i never thought that i would have so much fun just by talking all day long.

Afterwards, i got back to my room. I was surprised to find one of my roommate is the first rank in the Nationals, then i thought "Yeah putting the first and the second rank is like totally the best idea ever since they could be best friends and get close to one another" (hope that this does not happen in the second one). Then i spent my the rest of the day like a stranger.

Then, the next day we had an opening lecture which was not actually that important but to be honest, it was quite interesting and i could get to know more people.In the evening, we had a pretest which had a question that i had never known (like every question i had done in this circumstance). And the rest of the week was spent in an ordinary way since most of the lectures are about reviewing things. Not many things happen. I got to know them bit by bit and all. So it was quite fun actually joining this kind of event (despite the fact that i have to catch up with the lesson when i got back)

Oh yeah, on Friday we went to the Bosscha Observatory ( the only one in South East Asia) and we got to look at a really big telescope, the Zeiss telescope  and other smaller telescope like the Surya (Solar ) Observatory, GAO-ITB, Schmidt Bima Sakti(Milky Way)

Zeiss

And we had a test after the tour to write down everything you remember about the instruments.I ignored the specs and focus more on the history so yeah everything i wrote down on that time is like a history book with barely any numbers.Then there was also a task to write down 88 constellations which i expected to happen so i managed to get every single one but i guess i wrote some mistakenly like (Equuleus --> Equules,etc)

Then there was a practical test to assemble telescope which i should've been able to do since i the telescope used (Celestron) is quite similar to the one in my school (Skywatcher) but i guess coming there made me uncomfortable and i didnt manage to assemble everything properly (there are some parts that are assembled beforehand) in the given time (10 minutes) although i had ever assemble Skywatcher in about 5 minutes completely. So yeah the whole week went by with me getting nervous all the time even though i know i was not supposed to.

Fresh start

It's been a while world....

I've been thinking about continuing in writing posts in this blog as i need somewhere to pour out my problems, my fear, my exhaustion and perhaps my anxiety about my life.

So, if you might have not known, i'm currently in Bandung undergoing intensive training to be one of the Indonesian team for either 2014 International Olympiad of Astronomy and Astrophysics (IOAA) in Rumania or International Astronomy Olympiad (IAO) in Kyrgyztan

Let me start with how i got here.To be honest, i initially join Astronomy merely due to my interest in this field. When i was in grade 8, i read a lot of online articles about astronomy and modern physics. In fact, i didn't even understand even a single thing.

This led me to joining the Astronomy Olympiad Team in my school just to satisfy my hunger for knowledge. Henceforth, i did learn a lot of stuff like hell a lot. To make things worse, the more i studied in this field, the more i wanted to win in the National level. I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday.

I wanted to bring a gold medal to my school, my family, my class, my team, my teachers and eventually myself as if it appeared to be the right thing to do.

Starting from that point, i'd been laboriously studying hard to achieve what i really aspired despite doubts and obstacles i encountered along the path towards victory.