I can't get these thoughts out so I decided maybe I should write it down somewhere.
It all started when I knew that I could use my god forsaking international medal to enter the so-called famous NTU in Singapore, but I won't get any scholarship cause I got bronze. It might seem crappy to you but trust me, somehow I understand this policy.
How? Imagine that all international medalists get scholarship as easy as using their medal. Imagine all those 'amazing' (I use quotation here, cause by the end of the day it's all about luck, you'll know why) people who were not lucky enough to participate in an olympiad or those who have something to contribute in other fields. They won't get the scholarship won't they. So I knew that NTU is not to blame. It's myself, for not being good enough in the international, for getting the second bronze. I was scared of not getting a medal at all and I guess it just came to my mind that I should stop trying cause I was not good enough. Indeed it was my first time joining a huge event like that, but I still believe it does not justify my giving up at that time. Anyway, long story short, I gave up that's why I deserved all this crap I'm facing in life.
Besides getting into NTU, I thought that I might had the chance getting into NUS and getting a scholarship cause I thought that I did great in the University Entrance Exam. However, several weeks ago, I received the news that I was not admitted into NUS, like from Indonesia only 8 people were given admission and scholarship at the same time. 4 of them are mathematics international medalists, 2 is a biology gold medalists, 1 is a friend of mine who got bronze in the international astronomy olympad and the other one is also an international medalists. 2 of them did not come for the interview and my friend did not get the scholarship (some interview mistakes).
There are some ways that I could still get the scholarship:
1. The scholarship from the singapore government, I did the interview (I was asked a bunch of science questions so, f***) and the result is going to be announced around July.
2. The scholarship from Indonesia for international medalists. I heard that this scholarship stopped giving scholarship for students going abroad, and the government only provides for those studying in Indonesia. But my friend is currently trying to apply for it, but no news so far.
3. As for the last method, this is to get a gold medal in the international level I'm facing this upcoming July and try to appeal for scholarship from NTU. Seeing how Singapore being strict this year, I am not sure even this will work.
So yeah, a lot of uncertainties lately in my life. Then, I am not going to take the scholarship to Japan cause I would need to take 2 years before getting to the actual university and I think I could not afford to waste more time in my life and I would not want to take the scholarship just to throw it away by the end of the day.
Then, tomorrow, I am going to face the national exam for the national university in Indonesia for several best universities in this country. Trust me, not much preparation was made for it.
What I am so pissed about is not about not getting into university or something. So after hearing my story, here goes nothing.
From junior high, I told myself that I would pursue further education without involving too much of my parents. You could say I'm just being selfish trying not to involve my parents too much (esp. lately making money is not as easy as thinking about it).
Then, I also planned to have my master degree somewhere I can get be what I've always wanted to be, an inventor. But I know, that I need to be at the right place and the to have the right opportunities. I can't do that in this eastern world where everything is about businesses and factories. That's why I believe that studying in Singapore might be that one step toward that mission.
However, what I am most frightened of is the fact that I will be the opposite of who I am right now. In high school, I knew that to live life to the fullest, you can't just study hard just to expect you would live a meaningful life, that's why I started joining an olympiad, joining a lot of co-curricular activites and doing a lot of different stuff. However, for university admission purposes , I always kept my grades good through any means possible, even studying a whole book for one night. So I did what I wanted to do and what I had to do.
With all these mishaps and rejections, I started to waver about my view . I don't want to start to think that I should find a secure job, just to fill my life everyday with nothing but dull work.
My mission for the next few years if I actually managed to study in NTU or NUS somehow would be:
1. Take an exchange program either to Europe, Canada or USA
2. Travel the world as in travelling to at least 2 countries far from Indonesia before I finished my undergraduate degree.
3. Join a tech research or tech comp in my university studies.
4. A lot of another different things.
Then, I realized something important. It's been so f-ing hard to hold my view because everybody else on this dying Earth has the same thought. To find secure job, to study hard, go to good universities with the expectancy to secure a high-paying job. It's ridiculous. Okay maybe, I am different, maybe I am weird, I have been living life differently since I was born. Being a freak and everything in life. But I know, I should never give up in this world. Yes, it is going to be much much much harder in life after this. And I should be ready and live life without regrets.
"For me, I am driven by two main philosophies, know more about the world than I did yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You'd be surprised of how far that gets you." - Neil deGrasse Tyson
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